Laura Stowell
When I’m not sleeping I am not thinking about the amount the brain shrinks when you don’t drink enough water, and that drinking water too close to going to bed will disrupt sleep but not drinking enough inhibits cell restoration and makes you wake with a headache and a dry, acrid taste in your mouth. When I’m not sleeping I am not considering the various parts of my body that feel too sharp or too soft against the mattress which is neither too firm nor too soft but medium-firm, a “good compromising mattress for couples” that I bought because it was the cheapest one in the store. I am not wondering if my body is deteriorating. I am not dwelling on the inevitability of such deterioration. I am not wondering if my hip bones have become more prominent, or if my ribs stick out more than they used to, or if my jaw is clenched and whether I am able to unclench it or not. When I’m not sleeping I am not reflecting on the alignment of my spine, whether curling up on one’s side contributes to rounded posture, or if my shoulders are compressing my clavicle which would mean I am compressing my lungs which would mean I am not breathing deeply enough which would mean I am not getting enough oxygen which would mean I am killing my brain cells. I am not thinking about how I can’t sleep on my back because the ceiling becomes too close. When I’m not sleeping I am not working through the items unchecked on my to-do list from today, from yesterday, from tomorrow, from last week, from last month. I am not going grocery shopping, I am not putting the clothes on the chair away, I am not reading any of the books stacked on the nightstand, the books stacked on the floor, the books stacked next to the stack on the floor, the books stacked on my desk, the books stacked on my office shelf. I am not organizing said books by color to make them visually pleasing and further avoid actually reading them. When I’m not sleeping I am not answering email. When I’m not sleeping I am not calling people I should call, texting people back, or otherwise communicating with people who care about me who I constantly disappoint. When I’m not sleeping I am not self-correcting my self-criticism. When I’m not sleeping I am not considering kindness. When I’m not sleeping I am not taking valerian, magnesium, melatonin, herbatonin, chamomile, GABA, kava, passion flower, or St. John’s Wort. I am not considering filling the various prescriptions I have been given for xanax (not a palindrome), lunesta (not a play on the latin word for moon), sonata (not a musical composition), or ambien (no -t). I am not thinking about side effects: dependency, memory loss, loss of appetite, nausea, headaches, and neurotoxicity. I am not wondering about dementia. I am not resenting the days I have spent avoiding caffeine, alcohol, and sugar. Days spent meditating and drinking herbal tea, anxiously awaiting therapy appointments for anxiety, stressing about avoiding stress, eating too much or too little, exercising too much or too little. I am not thinking about blue light filters that make everything yellow and flat. I am not remembering repeatedly not reading and not working and not watching things in bed only to do nothing in bed but not sleep. When I’m not sleeping I am not reliving the conversations I had yesterday and eight years ago and how they will resurface in the conversations I have tomorrow. I am not thinking about parallelograms. I am not outlining ceiling patterns with my fingertips on the sheets which are neither too soft nor too rough, too warm nor too cold. I am not touching or being touched. I am not considering how vulnerability is or is not worth it or real. I am not thinking about how difficult it is to forgive (oneself). I am not feeling both too big and too small, too quiet and too loud. I am not drinking tea. When I’m not sleeping I am not worrying about the amount or kind of particles in the air, the air that I am probably not breathing enough of. I am not thinking that chartreuse should refer to a shade of red and not to a shade of green. When I’m not sleeping I am not saying I love you. When I’m not sleeping I am not thinking about not thinking about not sleeping. *In reference/reverence to Anne Boyer’s “Not Writing” in Garments Against Women.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
April 2018
Categories |